


Drunken Confessions

by phan_stole_my_heart



Category: DanIsNotOnFire-Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), youtube - Fandom, youtubers- fandom
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bottom Phil, Coming Out, Dan Howell - Freeform, Drunk Sex, Drunk!phil, Drunkenness, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Grinding, Hurt!Dan, Licking, M/M, Nipple Licking, Phil Lester - Freeform, Self-Pity, Smut, closet!phil lester, danisnotonfire - Freeform, drunk!dan, gay!dan howell, guilty!phil, top dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:42:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4336097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phan_stole_my_heart/pseuds/phan_stole_my_heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil stumble into their apartment late on night and end up having sex. In the morning Phil freaks out and kicks Dan out of his bed.<br/>(This fic is very angsty, so angsty)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Buildup

**Author's Note:**

> So I might add on to this if I get feedback, it's the first Phan fic that I've written, and actually the first smut too. I hope you like it!

Dan's unsteady hands clumsily slipped the key into the lock on the door. He could feel Phil behind him, waiting to be let in. Phil's breathing was heavy and reeked of alcohol. Dan stumbled to turn around and look at him. Phil's eyes were bloodshot, but as blue as ever, his skin was pale and clammy. Dan's pupils dilated with lust as he took in Phil's damp neck. He bit his lip hard.

      

 "Daaan," Phil slurred, "What are you doing? I want to go in."

       

Dan snapped out of stupor - or as much as he could in his tipsy state - and turned the key in the lock.

       

The apartment was slightly lit by the dim light coming in through the windows. Dan stole another glance at Phil, he looked so beautiful even while he was smashed. He stumbled around adorably trying to get a glass of water.

      

 "Here," Dan said moving his hand away from the cabinet, "Let me get it for you." He didn't release Phil's hand as he got the glass and then filled it with water. He handed it to him and watched him drink it. His eyes noticed the water droplets that had missed Phil's mouth and had begun to trickle down his neck. He moved in closer, backing Phil against the counter slowly. He hesitantly leaned forward and licked a droplet that had found it's way to Phil's collarbone. He tasted the saltiness from his sweat mixed with the coolness of the water. He lost himself in the taste.

 

       "Dan!" Phil squeaked in surprise, "What are you doing?"

 

      "I need you," Dan mumbled into Phil, "I need you now."

 

       "What?" Phil asked, his drunken brain trying to understand.

 

       "You're so hot, Phil," Dan spoke in a hoarse whisper.

 

       "SEX?" Phil cried, "but, we're drunk, you don't actually mean it."

 

       "I mean it, Phil," Dan said as his hand trailed down to Phil's belt buckle. He pulled it towards him gently. Phil's face was impossibly close now. Dan tilted his head and gently kissed Phil's neck. Phil didn't pull away. Encouraged, he nipped it lightly. This elicited a soft moan from Phil. Dan removed Phil's belt and started working on his pants. Phil shyly took off his shirt.

 

       "God, you're so beautiful," Dan cried taking him in. He began to desperately lick and kiss Phil's chest. Phil moaned when Dan's rough tongue ran over his sensitive nipples.

 

Dan ripped off his shirt and held Phil even closer to himself. Dan rubbed his thigh on Phil's half-hard dick covered only by his thin fabric of his boxers. He could feel Dan's erection pressing against his thigh. Phil kicked his pants off from around his ankles. Dan grabbed his ass and passionately kissed him. He chuckled as Phil yelped. Phil hesitantly gave in and wrapped his legs around Dan's waist. Phil broke the kiss and began to kiss Dan's collar sucking gently on the skin.

       

Dan carried his to his room and laid him gently on the bed. He kissed Phil with love and lust, their tongues dancing in his mouth. He groaned as Phil rubbed his nipple gently.

       

"You like that?" Phil said as seductively as his awkward nature would allow him.

      

 "YES!" Dan cried, "Touch me more, baby."

       

Phil teased his nipples and they hardened at his touch. Dan moaned as Phil rolled them between his fingers. He surprised Dan by flipping so that he was straddling Dan's stomach. Phil bent his head down and sucked at one of the hardened nipples, still rolling the other with his hand. He released the nipple and worked his way down to Dan's belt. He quickly ripped it away and started tugging off Dan's pants. Dan pulled his feet out of the jeans and wrapped his pale legs around Phil. They lay there kissing and grinding their pelvis' into one another until Dan cried, "I need you to touch me, Phil!"

      

 Phil lifted himself off of Dan slightly, "I don't know," he said hesitantly.

     

  "Come on, baby," Dan said, reaching up to touch Phil's face, "I need you"

       

"I guess if you want," Phil said, tugging at the waistband of Dan's boxers.

     

 "I do," Dan whispered. He knocked Phil's hand aside and roughly pulled off the boxers setting his erection free.

 


	2. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil awakes in Dan's arms and is shocked to say the least.

After they finished, Phil curled up in Dan’s arms. Their sweaty bodies were entangled under the covers. Dan let out a sigh and lightly kissed the top of Phil’s head, “Try walking tomorrow,” he chuckled.

“Good thing I wasn’t planning on it,” Phil breathed. He turned to face Dan and brushed his lips against Dan’s. He smiled into the kiss and nestled closer to Dan, wrapping his arms around him. His eyes grew heavy from exhaustion and sleep overtook him.

 

* * *

 

Phil stirred in his sleep as he felt something damp on his forehead. He opened his eyes and squinted at the light, it hurt his head. He groaned into his pillow.

“You’re awake now?”

Phil quickly turned over and found himself face to face with Dan. His cheeks burned as he realized that he was completely naked under the bed covers and from the feeling of Dan’s bare legs entwined with his, he had a feeling the Dan was too.

“D-dan!” he stuttered in surprise, “why are you here?”

Dan leaned forward and kissed his lightly, “Don’t you remember?” he asked.

 

“We had sex,” Phil said it hesitantly, like it was a question.

 

“Loads, I imagine that you’ll be quite sore,” Dan chuckled. He leaned in for another kiss, but Phil pulled away. He shifted himself in the bed so he was no longer touching Dan.

 

Suddenly, the previous night came crashing back into Phil’s memory. He remembered their bodies moving in harmony, the way he moaned as Dan pounded into him again and again, the rush of euphoria as he finished. He was horrified.

 

“Phil, what’s wrong?” Dan asked, noting the stunned look on Phil’s face.

 

“I’m not gay, Dan” Phil said, “Last night...last night was a mistake.”

 

Phil watched as Dan’s face fell. He felt bad, but there was no way that he could be gay. The previous night had been a simple mistake and he could blame it on the alcohol.

 

“If that’s how you feel,” Dan said quietly. He got out of bed and slipped his underwear on.

 

Phil turned away from him as Dan slowly walked out of the room.

 

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Phil thought, “he just needs some time, I mean he couldn’t actually love me.”

 

* * *

 

Dan went to his room and grabbed some clothes and a towel. Tears stung his eyes and his throat burned. All these years he had wanted to be with Phil. Of course in the

beginning they had just been friends, but how could he not fall for his adorable, blue-eyed best friend. He made his way to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He let his

underwear fall to the floor and stepped under the warm spray. A quiet sob escaped his lips and tears now flowed freely from his eyes. He let the spray wash the tears and the

night away. He wiped his eyes and was determined not to cry anymore. The only thing worse than Phil turning him down, would be losing Phil forever. He stepped out of the

shower with the resolve that he would hide his feelings and pretend that the best night of his life had meant nothing.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the sadness, it might get better, I don't know yet. I have absolutely no pre-written chapters, so I will post when I can. It's my first Phan, my first "smut", and my first series, so let's see how this goes! Sorry this is short, I will definitely make the following chapters longer.


	3. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have breakfast, lots of awkwardness and guilt and hurt feeling ensue.

Phil filled the electric kettle with water and flicked it on. While the water started to simmer he went to the fridge to get the milk. He closed the door and looked up to see Dan

walk in. He was wearing grey sweatpants (which sat very low on his hips, but Phil definitely didn’t notice that) and a tight black t shirt. His hair was still damp and curly. Phil

would deny it if anyone asked, but he always loved Dan’s hobbit hair. He met Dan’s eyes and saw the obvious redness from crying. Guilt washed over him as Dan gave him a

friendly “Good morning” and then offered to make tea. Phil felt like he had had the wind knocked out of him.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Phil answered, shaking his head to try to clear the awful feeling, “Here’s the milk.”

 

Dan took the milk with an “everything is okay” smile plastered on his face. He retrieved the tea bags from the pantry and then reached up to get the mugs. As he reached for the

mugs on the top shelf, Phil couldn’t help but notice his shirt lifting up and revealing his angular hipbones, his mind betrayed him as he thought about how Dan had pushed him

up against that same counter underneath the cabinet and kissed him for the first time.  Phil felt a chill go through his body and quickly looked away. He focused on an empty

cereal bowl in front of him.

 

“You are not gay, not gay, not gay,” The phrase went through Phil’s mind like a chant.

 

“Here,”

 

Phil was startled out of his mind and out loud he yelled “Not gay!”

 

As soon as he said it he wanted to disappear, he couldn’t stand the heart broken look Dan had in his eyes. He kept on hurting the one person that he loved, how much longer

could Dan stand it before he left him?

 

* * *

 

Dan POV

 

Phil’s cry hurt worse than a punch, but Dan’s resolve to keep his best friend allowed him to only look hurt for less than a second. He smiled and pretended like nothing

happened.

 

“Your tea,” he said handing Phil the cuppa.

 

“Thanks,” Phil said awkwardly.

 

“I had to use the last of the milk,” Dan said, trying to brush the awkwardness away, “Do you want to go to the store with me? I was going to walk there, my mum made me

promise to walk this week.”

 

“I’m to sore to walk today,” Phil said without thinking. As soon as he realized what he said he reddened and quickly added, “We walked home last night and I’m not used to being

hungover.”

 

“Fair enough,” Dan mumbled.

 

They finished making and eating their breakfasts without further awkwardness. They complained about their hurting heads and the brightness of the light. Phil swore to never

drink that much again, Dan laughed through his pain. Phil watched his best friend laughing even though it was obvious that he was hurting inside. Phil realized that Dan had

been doing that all morning, trying to hide his pain and keep Phil happy. He had never felt worse in his life. He thought about how coldly he had thrown Dan out of his bed early

that morning, he was a monster. How could he hurt someone who loved him so much...someone that he loved so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how crappy this chapter is, I promise that the last one will be much better! Thanks for the 500+ hits too guys!


	4. Farewells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three weeks after "that night" Phil sits alone at their flat and cries over what he lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING* there is alcohol use and drunk!Phil, a mention of someone being cut (accidental, not self inflicted).
> 
> Hope you guys like this!

*Three weeks later*

Phil was sat on his bed sprawled in front of his laptop. He was listlessly scrolling through tumblr, but he wasn’t really paying attention to anything. All he could think about was how much he missed Dan. Dan had left two weeks ago to visit his mother, he hadn’t really talked to Phil since, just a few short and awkward phone calls here and there. He replayed his departure in his head over and over again.

 

_“I don’t know when I’ll be back,” Dan said. He was standing by the door holding his bags, “I haven’t seen my family in a while.”_

_“Yeah, I know, just call sometime,” Phil said, his hands were awkwardly shoved in his pockets. He tilted back and forth and the balls of his feet._

_“Yeah, sure,” Dan gave him a sad, weak smile, “Could you?” he nodded towards the closed door of their flat._

_“Yeah,” Phil walked across the room and stumbled on one of Dan’s bags. Dan dropped the other two bags and caught Phil. Their faces were close their foreheads almost touching. Phil could feel Dan’s arm around his waist and his hand on his chest._

_“Thanks,” Phil breathed, he made no effort to move away._

_“Of course,” Dan whispered._

_Phil glanced down at Dan’s lips, he almost instinctively moved closer, he remembered how good it had felt to kiss those lips… “No, Phil,” he thought, and he flinched away._

_The glance and the flinch hadn’t gone unnoticed by Dan who quickly moved back and steadied Phil quickly letting go of him and grabbing his own bags._

_“I have to go, I’m going to miss my train,” Dan said, his voice caught slightly in his throat. He half ran out the door._

_Phil reached out and grabbed his shoulder to stop him, “Bye, Dan.”_

_“Goodbye, Phil,” Dan said, he shrugged off Phil’s hand and walked away._

 

Tears came hard and fast at the memory. If only he had asked Dan to stay with him. Three weeks had past since the incident and Phil had done a lot of thinking. He talked to tumblr users anonymously, read articles, and even meditated and he realized that he wasn’t straight. He didn’t know what he identified as yet, but he wasn’t straight. When he finally said it out loud he felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest, all of those repressed feelings and emotions were free. The biggest realization had been that he loved Dan. He loved Daniel Howell and he would never stop loving him. But now everything might be ruined, Dan hadn’t been picking up his phone all day.

 

“Maybe he hates me,” Phil thought, “I hate me right now.”

 

He stumbled out of his room and into the kitchen. He opened the cupboard and pulled out a glass bottle, the amber color liquid sloshed around. He poured a little into a glass and threw it back. It burned his throat on the way down and he felt the warmth from the alcohol spread through his body. He poured another glass and then another and another, soon what little was left in the bottle was gone. Phil stumbled over to the cupboard again and pulled out a bottle of wine. He tried to pour himself a glass, but he only succeeded in knocking the empty bottle off the counter. It shattered and broke into pieces. He clumsily knelt to the floor to pick it up, but only succeeded in cutting his hands and knees. Phil got off the floor and grabbed the wine bottle, he wobbled over to the couch. He pulled his knees up to his chest and drank directly out of the bottle. He sat there in a stupor until sleep overtook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was originally be the last chapter, but I decided to remove the ending because I'm going to write an alternate one as well. The original will end happily and fluffy and the second will end sadly (not death or anything like that, just heartbreak).


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan comes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is the first ending guys! It's all fluffy and angsty (just how I like it).

Dan walked up to the door of his flat and dropped his bags on the floor. His hands were shaking slightly as he slipped the key in the lock and opened the door.

 

* * *

 

Phil awoke to a click, a splatter, and a clunk. He opened his eyes groggily to see what was there. His head was pounding like a second heartbeat. He tried to move his legs and was greeted by sharp pains in his hands and knees. Phil glanced down and saw that he had bloody pieces of glass stuck in his hands and knees.

 

“Phil!”

 

Phil was wide awake now, he saw Dan standing in the doorway, “Dan?” he managed to choke out.

 

“What happened?” Dan cried, rushing over to Phil, “You look like shit.”

 

“I feel like it too,” Phil said hoarsely.

 

“What happened?” Dan asked again, his face filled with concern.

 

“I got drunk,” Phil said plainly.

 

“You’ll explain everything in a moment,” Dan said. He went to the kitchen and when he returned he was carrying a glass of water and a first aid kit.

Phil drank greedily from the glass. Dan pulled out a pair of tweezers and a tissue from the kit. Phil winced as Dan pulled a piece out from his knee.

 

“Okay, now can you tell me what happened?” Dan asked.

 

“I messed up, Dan,” Phil said plainly.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You,” Phil sighed, “I ruined us.”

 

Dan waited a beat to respond, “You didn’t, I have put that night in the past. Don’t worry about it,” he said quietly.

 

Phil burst into tears, “I don’t want it in the past,” He cried.

 

Dan stopped cleaning Phil’s knees and looked up, “Phil, you need to explain,” he said, every word was tense.

 

“These past three weeks, ever since our night, I’ve been thinking and talking and reading and I realized that I’m not straight. I’ve been repressing it for so long, I felt so ashamed, but you changed me, Dan, you gave me a reason to fully be me,” Phil said, his tears turned into sniffles.

 

Dan stared at him for a long time before he spoke, “You have no idea how much you hurt me, you barely even looked at me when you kicked me out of bed, you literally turned your back on me, Phil. I’ve never felt more ashamed or embarrassed or hurt by anything else.

 

Phil reached out to touch Dan’s hand, “I’m so sorry, Dan, truly. I can’t forgive myself for that,” Phil said quietly.

 

Dan moved his hand away from Phil and bandaged his knees up.

 

“I shouldn’t forgive you either,” he said quietly, “but I can’t help it.”

 

Tears formed in Dan’s eyes as he sat next the Phil on the couch.

 

“You control my heart and you’ve already hurt me so much, I just don’t know if I could handle it if you freaked out again,” Dan cried.

 

“I won’t,” Phil said, he reached for Dan’s hand again and this time Dan didn’t pull away, “I will never let go.”

 

Dan stared up into Phil’s bright blue eyes, both of them were crying now.

 

“I love you, Dan Howell,” Phil said fiercely.

 

Dan smiled through his tears and threw his arms around Phil.

 

“I love you too, Phil,” he whispered, before pulling away and kissing Phil lightly.

 

Dan laughed as Phil grabbed his hips and pulled him onto his lap and kissed him passionately.

 

And even though they knew that they had lots of problems to work through, they would make it and they would never let go of each other. Ever.

 

THE END

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sad alternate ending will be coming soon!!!
> 
> *****EDIT***** okay, so I don't really have any inspiration at the moment to write the alternate ending right now. I have my idea, but no ways to execute it so I will be closing this up and maybe sometie in the future there will be an alternate ending.


End file.
